Rock Bottom Feels Like Home
Parked, at the wine soaked table. Across from my alcoholic housemate. Eagerly we await the ring signally the next pervert to venture into my naked orbit. I can sell my dignity over a web cam these days, don’t even need to leave the house which is perfect, as i no longer have anything to leave for.
My nose bleeds in the morning from the cocaine the night before. The room is dark and i fall into bed as dawn checks in on me and sighs it’s light across my miserable little face. I sleep in a nicotine haze and dream through the days now, instead of living them.
My dreams are peaceful and my bed hugs me in a way the world never has. From this view i can see how easy it was to fall and how calmly i’d slip a little further down. Here’s my crossroads, it’s here today, right now. Do i have the fight in me to crawl back to ground level or will rock bottom start to feel like home?
How much do i want to bounce back, and if i fight myself, then am i not fighting the person i’m fighting for?
In my dreams i have everything i want, but nothing of value. So world i ask you, if i am worth saving, bring me purpose or i’ll close the curtains on you for the last time. And this time, it has to be the last time either way.
Everyone moans on and on and on about honesty, while never wanting to hear it. Meanwhile, watch them lapping up the fiction.
Few things not sitting well right now.
So here’s some honesty for once.
1. I like being tall, in fact i’m quite smug about it. Perhaps if you have the confidence to date a women taller than you, your sons won’t be short asses with a size complex against women like you. There’s no rule saying women have to be shorter than a man, what kind of submissive bullshit is that? If you want the ‘little women’ to look up to you then fuck off back to the 50s and stop boring me with your vanity. This goes for the girls to, you haven’t got one up on me because you’re five foot shorter, i can do cute and feminine too and look stunning in heels.
2. No, being an orphan doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your parents or that i’m sat at home with pots of ice cream on mother’s day. Being orphaned is nothing less than a gift, as all life events should be looked upon as. I have my independence and grown up able to develop my own beliefs and interests. I am no less happy and no less secure, i know my roots as well as the next person and am proud of them. So please stop doing the ‘i’m so sorry face’, what are you sorry for? Did you murder them? No, didn’t think so. Death is a part of life, and here’s the punchline, we all loose our parents in the end. I have no contact with any of my family, i dislike them intensely and don’t even visit the graves of the dead ones. Because it’s effort i could spend on something useful, like helping the living.
3. I take drugs, a lot. Like, all the time. And no, i don’t feel the need to be all secretive and shady about it. I do cocaine whenever i feel like it, not because i’m depressed, angry or trying to rebel. I do it when i’m happiest, and have no problem with it. So why should you. It’s boring, old and nothing new.
4. I’m not arrogant, cocky or self-satisfied. In fact i might just be the most humble, kind, generous and terrified person you’ve ever met. Nothing comes easily, and i struggle every day with concerns and worry. Everyone seems to think success has fallen into my lap or i swan about scooping up lucky breaks. Not sure if i should laugh or cry at that perception as it cheapens all the sleepless nights, leaps of faith and hours of the most mind numbingly boring hours of studying when all i wanted to do was go out. So get to work bitch, because life’s hard WORK, and no one gives a crap if you’re failing at it.
5. I have deep seated emotional problems involving intense periods of obsession with everything and anything like a light switch going on and off. It’s likely i’ve happily stalked you or at least someone you know for the absolute fun of it. I also care very little about attachment to others and their opinion of me. I lie when i feel like it, usually just to make things more interesting as the day to day grind bores me to tears. If i’m not having a drama, conflict or in a dire situation i’m not happy. This does mean i enjoy sabotaging just because i get the impulse.
6. I left East 15 because it’s a badly run, second rate rat run full of poorly educated tactless morons and that’s just the staff. No, i didn’t fail, no i didn’t leave because i got work, wasn’t ill, wasn’t tired, wasn’t in trouble. I just got bored.
Surely not. Have i finally discovered pure animal attraction? I think i might just have. There’s not emotions, no mental gushing about undying love, no obsessing.
This is clean, to the point, when i see you, i want to push you down onto the nearest flat surface and make you scream my name. The things i would do to that man. I’m getting tingles just thinking about it.
Got the biggest hard on, i’m walking funny.
There comes a moment, every so often, when you wonder why you bother being nice to people, and i don’t mean civil, i’m talking out of your way nice. I have happily done my best to be a friend and a support to them and they do nothing but throw fits and get nasty at every opportunity.
At times i make mistakes, and all i ask is that i’m shown the same understanding as i would show them. Instead i get abuse and am left feeling like shit, sickeningly so.
And still i continue to be nice and run around after everyone like a pet dog desperate for a pat on the head. Isn’t it time i grew a backbone? Showed some ownership and refuse to take others sarcastic bullshit against every action and every word. Why should i feel guilty for talking too much, or being awkward or clumsy or being proud or discussing what’s going on in my life. Why do i have to apologise for existing, feeling like i’m tolerated instead of wanted?
Perhaps i’ve reached the moment where i say ‘fuck you’ where a ‘fuck you’ is due.